What Does a Gynecologist Do?

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Dear Dr. Matt-

Hello, My name is Chris and in our High School Biology class, we are doing a project in which we have to interview a certain scientist and make a PowerPoint about that field. I was picked with Gynecologist and I was wondering if you could help me out and answer a few questions. It would be a great help since their are not many Gynecologist out there that have their emails online. If you can help, here are the following questions:

1. What do you do at your job?
2. What type of degree is needed?
3. What types of courses in high school would be helpful?
4. What science skills are necessary?
5. What is a normal day like in your field?
6. What is the expected salary range? (it is alright not to answer)
7. What are the pros and cons of your career?
8. Do you love your career? Why?

If you could answer these questions, it would be great. My project is due on Wednesday, June 15, so if I could get it by then, it would be great. Thanks!

 

Dear Chris-

I would be happy to answer these questions which will secure you a top grade for your class.  While I’m not a “gynecologist” in the strictest sense, in the sense of being trained in the field of “gynecology” or any medical profession, I’d like to think that I know my way around a vagina.  There shouldn’t be any topic that Dr. Matt can’t answer, uninformed or not, so let’s tackle your questions.

1. What do you do at your job?

Mostly, I tell people what to do, and they pay me.  And then I tell other people what I told those people, and then those other people pay me.  I basically get paid multiple times for saying whatever comes to mind.

But, if I were in the role of a gynecologist, then essentially what I would do is look at lady bits, and then I would ask questions to the lady such as, “Does it feel uncomfortable when I poke this bit with a cold pokey thing?” and “Could you tell me which bit of the bits I’m currently looking at?”

2. What type of degree is needed?

I’m not personally a fan of degrees, but I assume most gynecologists have a degree that’s called simply “Gynecology” or perhaps “Advanced Humanities”.

3. What types of courses in high school would be helpful?

Hmm, other than Biology, I’m not sure what other high school courses are applicable.  I’d say that since a lot of this type of job relies on up-close examination, do most of your research out of class.  Remember, always treat women respectfully, especially if they give you permission to see what’s what, and even more so if they are a relative.

4. What science skills are necessary?

Science is fairly silly, but probably what is going to be most helpful for you in understanding any aspect of women is deduction.  Learn how to gather evidence and draw conclusions.  For instance, if, whenever a female gets close to you, she suddenly turns around and “has homework to finish,” then you can deduce that something is clearly turning down her interest.  You can test out different hypotheses such as “more frequent showering will interest the females”.

5. What is a normal day like in your field?

First, I wake up next to my beautiful lover, a woman named Midgie.  If the mood is right, then I perform a gynecological exam.  I’ll say it like that because I don’t want to harm your fragile high-school brain.

Next, I make myself some eggs.  Now, I’ve started to eat a bit more vegetables lately, so what I like to do is cut up some mushrooms and throw in some handfuls of spinach. With spinach, you can really throw in more than you think you’re going to need.  It tends to really cook down to almost nothing.  If I’m feeling adventurous, I might put in some broccoli.  Midgie thinks broccoli is a little strange for eggs, but for me, it really hits the spot, especially if I’m going to top it all off with some cheddar cheese and salsa.

Some other things happen throughout my day after that, but I don’t want to talk your ear off.

6. What is the expected salary range? (it is alright not to answer)

Chris, trust me, you’re going to get asked this question a lot as you get older.  Thing is, whatever you think you deserve, and therefore offer as a number, is what you tend to get.  People value you, Chris, to the extent that you value yourself.  So, let’s save you a lot of heartache and say that the expected salary range is between 1 and 2 million dollars.

7. What are the pros and cons of your career?

Pros: 2-million dollar salary
Cons: None that I can think of

8. Do you love your career? Why?

As a person who’s become interested in the field of gynecology in the last 15 minutes, I’d have to say that yes, it’s something that I love dearly.  You see, women are precious to me.  I like anyone that can offer a perspective that I may not have, and women have a perspective unlike anything else on this planet.

Here’s something else, Chris.  We tend to anthropomorphise  the world around us, and we do that based on what we know about human bodies.  If a man projects a female persona on something like a boat or a car, then it’s become a stand-in for his relationships with women.  It externalizes his knowledge and allows him to explore his feelings for the opposite sex in a way that feels masculine.  So, the more a man knows about the female form, the more he can explore what he’s learned by interacting with that externalization.

If I lost you on that last bit, don’t worry.  What I’m saying is that fake gynecology has made my relationship with my iPhone, “Shelley”, all the more important.  I never let that phone run out of juice.  In fact, I probably plug in the power cable about 6 times a day, especially just after I wake up in the morning.

Incidentally, Chris, if you know anything about iPhones, then maybe you can tell me how to turn off those damn notification pop-ups.  Seems like some app is always telling me what to do, but then it never tells me where to go to do it.

Thanks for your questions!  With my help, I know you’ll ace this project.

If any of your classmates have questions after you present this, tell ’em to ask Dr. Matt.

-Dr. Matt

Dr. Matt

Dr. Matt* gives advice on relationships, life, death, half-life, pet ownership, sexuality, asexuality, proto-sexuality, and mustache growing. * Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

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