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Folks, it’s time for a change.
I don’t mean for me.  I’m happy as a clam who has been invited to a clam honoring ceremony, in which he or she is about to receive an award for Most Delightful Clam.  I can’t think of other circumstances in which a clam would be happy, so that will have to do.
No, I’m talking about you, of course, to you folks out there who are ready for a change.

You see, I’ve decided to tell you how to change your life: dramatically, completely, and irreversibly.  Sure, …

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I know it’s been a while, folks, since you heard from me, and I apologize for that.  I’ve been on a book tour lately, selling the highly popular bathroom reader: “Just Stop Having Problems, Stupid!”  If you don’t have your copy yet, then obviously you don’t like going to the bathroom.

While on tour, I spoke at a conference about not being stupid about money.  And I gotta tell you, there are a lot of people who are stupid about it.  Right now there’s this whole economic whatsit going on, and …