Dr. Matt’s Question and Answer Orgy, Volume 1
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Folks, usually I take one fan’s question at a time and give a thoughtful and thorough response. Today, I’m going to take on many of you at once, dividing up my thoughtfulness and thoroughness equally, with equality being determined by yours truly.
QUESTION #1: Why did LeBron abandon his hometown to earn less money?
DR. MATT: Sometimes we need to leave the nest in order to learn how to fly. And other times, we are named LeBron James.
QUESTION #2: What don’t I know I don’t know?
DR. MATT: Mostly the mating calls and dances of prehistoric animals. I know what you’re thinking: you think you knew that you didn’t know that, but you didn’t.
QUESTION #3: In what year do you think the containers will be worth more than the products inside?
DR. MATT: This is a trick question. The containers are empty.
QUESTION #4: I recently took a “douche detector quiz.” It turns out that I am a “half-n-half douchebag” according to the douchebag professionals. How do I go about correcting this “douchebagedness?” Help!!
DR. MATT: I’ve never heard of douchebag professionals, but if they’re truly professionals, then their ability to evaluate douchebaggery probably holds some weight. The upside is that your douchebaggedness is, as of now, only half-n-half, meaning that you still have some very good qualities. I’m slightly suspicious that this question is not genuine and perhaps these professionals do not exist.
QUESTION #5: Why is the yellow green?
DR. MATT: Probably either improperly prepared chicken, or properly prepared Mexican food.
QUESTION #6: Dr. Matt, do you feel lucky?
DR. MATT: If you were me, you would know that a feeling of being lucky is inescapable, because you had somehow become the Most Famous Fake Doctor Of Our Time, thus displacing me into probably an alternate dimension where everyone has goatees instead of fine mustaches.
QUESTION #7: How do you do it Dr. Matt? Help so many people and yet stay so humble and centered? I want to be just like you. Can you help me to acheive this kind of greatness such as yourself.
DR. MATT: Being truly humble is not easy, but one can accomplish this with flying colors and within short order, be recognized for their humility (and other accomplishments) by throngs of adoring fans, such as I have. What you have to do is be persistent. Don’t back down when your humility is questioned, and demonstrate it at every turn to put the doubters in their place.
Many of these great attributes feature greatly into greatness. Can I help you acheive this kind of greatness? Perhaps, but only by demonstrating it in myself, and proudly displaying great aspects like humility. By seeing someone willing to stand up and declare themselves to be great, it empowers those who witness it to stand up and do the same.
The catch is that embracing greatness means you demonstrate it in yourself. So, you can’t be great like me, but like me, you can be great.
Thanks for your questions! The more questions you ask, the more I can tell you what to do.
-Dr. Matt*
