Valentine’s Day Is Like Criminal Court

Well, folks, it’s Valentine’s Day, and that can be a hard day for some people. This is not so for Dr. Matt, because I don’t have any expectations about getting fancy things. I haven’t talked much about relationships so far, but one of the problems of relationships is the expectations of fancy things. And I don’t necessarily mean tangible things. Sometimes we want fancy words, or fancy actions, as long as that other person proves their feelings in some manner.

You see, Valentine’s Day is like a day in court, where you are the defendant’s lawyer, and your significant other is the judge. “Yes, Your Honor, I do have love,” you say.

Actually, I think it would be more accurate to say that you are on the witness stand, and your lover is the prosecuting attorney. Now, in this scenario, I am impeccably dressed, wearing my finest Italian suit.

“Dr. Matt,” she says, “what is your relationship to me?”

“I am your partner and lover, Miss Johansson,” I say.

Scarlett Johansson turns to the court. “Let it be noted that the defendant has correctly stated our relationship, which makes me happy.” She turns back to me. “Now, Dr. Matt, would you please prove your love?”

And of course, being Valentine’s Day, now I’m in a pickle. I can’t really “prove” my love to Scarlett. Legally, I can’t even be within 100 feet of her, but that’s not the point. The point is, just love and be done with it. You don’t need to jump through hoops, you don’t need to do any particular thing. If the love is there, it will show. Don’t overthink it. Just love. That’s it. Boom. You’re done. Valentine’s Day solved.

…Unless of course you really are dating Scarlett Johansson. In that case, I would recommend buying her a condo in Maui.

Just my thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Dr. Matt

Dr. Matt* gives advice on relationships, life, death, half-life, pet ownership, sexuality, asexuality, proto-sexuality, and mustache growing. * Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

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