Hey, Ellen DeGeneres!

Ellen DeGeneres!

I know you’ve been waiting for the right time to invite me, Dr. Matt, onto your show. After all, you don’t want to have me on too early, and upstage an upcoming actor like Tom Hanks, but you also don’t want to wait too long, and jeopardize your career. So, I’m here to help, by telling you that the time to have me on your show is right now.

That’s right. Before you know it, you could be sitting down with the most famous doctor in the world without an actual doctorate. I’m offering this distinct honor to you, Ellen, because I see great potential in you. I really think you could make something of yourself. I’m your biggest fan, so it seems only fair that I allow you to tell me the same thing.

I look forward to your phone call, Ellen DeGeneres …or a phone call from one of your underlings to my secretary. Either way, Ellen, I’ll see you soon.

Dr. Matt

Dr. Matt* gives advice on relationships, life, death, half-life, pet ownership, sexuality, asexuality, proto-sexuality, and mustache growing. * Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

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