How To Be A Man In The Age of #MeToo

Folks, if you’re like me, you’ve seen the events of the last year or so and wondered: what does all this mean for men?

It’s an important question. And it deserves an important answer from an important person. So here goes:

First, don’t rape or assault people.

This may seem strange at first. Don’t rape or assault people? Ever? But as a man in this day and age, it’s absolutely essential if you want a place at the table to not place your penis upon that table, even if your penis seems admirable.

Second, don’t masturbate into potted plants.

This may seem even stranger. Don’t masturbate into a potted plant? Ever? Look, if men are going to survive in this new age of #MeToo accountability, then you’re going to have to make some changes. Now, you may say, “But Dr. Matt, what about my own potted plant at home?” That may sound alright in theory, but it can be hard to break the habit when in the workplace, or so it would seem, based on news reports.

Lastly, stop not supporting women.

I know I’ve already given you a lot of work by not assaulting people and not masturbating into potted plants at the office, but being a man in the age of #MeToo doesn’t just mean avoiding terrible behavior. It also means supporting women and other disadvantaged people to achieve positions of power that you had accessible to you (although hopefully a healthier version of that power that doesn’t involve potted plants).

Men, that also means voting and campaigning for women instead of running for president because you’re a billionaire.

“Wait a minute, Dr. Matt,” you’re saying. “I can’t assault people, I can’t masturbate into potted plants, yet I have a billion dollars and I’m not supposed to tell people how important my voice is?” I know that seems extreme, but look, men have sort of run things for thousands of years or so, so maybe you could sit this one out just this once, and try something different, like supporting a woman. Find a hobby, like maybe knitting or non-sexual gardening.

I know, being a man in the age of #MeToo is hard. We’re not used to changing our behavior for others, and there are potted plants almost everywhere you look. Sometimes you show up at a new job and someone in HR has just put a potted plant there, and you feel like someone is just stacking the deck against you, taunting you with the size and placement of the plant in that pot.

But men can do better. We can grow stronger and brighter. Just like a plant will if you stop with your hullabaloo.

Just My Thoughts,
Dr. Matt

Dr. Matt

Dr. Matt* gives advice on relationships, life, death, half-life, pet ownership, sexuality, asexuality, proto-sexuality, and mustache growing. * Dr. Matt is not a real doctor.

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